Even If They Laugh

At first, it wasn't even supposed to be dangerous.

There were four of us: Nassim, well, me, Sofiane, Malik, and Yacine, and we were hanging out near a field where we often went to play.

Behind the field, there was an old, almost finished construction site.

A big fence surrounded the place, but at one spot, it was slightly open, just enough to slip through.

Sofiane saw it first.

He walked up to it.

"Look."

Malik looked behind him.

"We can get in."

I walked up too.

Inside, there were planks, pieces of wood, piles of sand, and a big concrete structure with stairs going up.

I knew we weren't supposed to be there.

I think everyone knew.

But no one said it.

Sofiane went through the opening.

Malik followed him.

Yacine too.

Me, I stayed in front of the fence.

Sofiane turned around.

"Nassim, are you coming?"

I looked inside, then behind me.

"I don't know."

Malik laughed.

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

I didn't answer.

Sofiane raised his arms.

"But there's no one!"

That was exactly what didn't reassure me.

There was no one, no workers, no adult, no one to tell us where to walk or where not to walk.

I said:

"Maybe we shouldn't go in."

There was a little silence.

Then Malik smiled.

"Are you scared?"

I knew I shouldn't have answered.

But I answered:

"No."

"Then come on."

I stayed there.

Sofiane laughed.

"Don't be a baby."

The word stung me immediately.

Baby.

I hated that.

I was ten years old.

I wasn't a baby.

So I went through the fence.

---

At first, I felt better, because no one was making fun of me anymore.

We walked between the piles of materials.

Sofiane was in front.

He walked as if he knew the place perfectly, even though he had just entered it for the first time in his life.

Malik followed him.

Yacine looked around everywhere.

Me too.

There were holes in the ground, planks leaning against walls, metal bars sticking out, and sometimes, little pieces of concrete under our shoes.

I didn't like it.

But I didn't want to be the one to say again:

"We should leave."

So I said nothing.

Sofiane found some stairs.

"Let's go up."

Malik replied:

"Go ahead."

They started climbing.

I followed them.

First floor.

Then a few more steps.

As we went up, my stomach tightened.

At one point, there wasn't even a real railing yet, just empty space.

I moved away from the edge.

Yacine noticed.

He didn't say anything.

But Malik, he smiled.

"Nassim, look down."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Oh yeah, you're really scared after all."

I felt my face get hot.

So I looked.

A second, no more.

That was enough.

I stepped back.

Sofiane, he kept going.

He wanted to reach a higher part where you had to cross a kind of narrow slab.

He turned around.

"Come on!"

Malik went across.

Then Yacine.

Well, almost.

Yacine stopped before.

Me, I was still behind.

I looked at the spot where I had to cross.

It wasn't huge, just a few steps, but on the right, there was nothing, and under my shoes, there was dust and little pebbles.

Sofiane shouted:

"Go on, Nassim!"

I didn't move.

"I don't want to."

Malik burst out laughing.

"Again?"

Sofiane said:

"Seriously, don't be a baby!"

This time, my whole body was telling me to turn back.

But my head was repeating something else.

If you go back down, they'll make fun of you, they'll tell everyone you were scared, they'll say you're a baby.

I took a step, then another.

I stopped.

I couldn't move forward anymore.

And then, I understood something strange.

I didn't want to cross.

I just wanted them to think I could do it.

That wasn't the same thing.

I looked at Sofiane.

"I'm not going."

He shrugged.

"Well, stay there then."

Malik added:

"Baby."

I felt the shame rise up into my throat.

But this time, I didn't move.

Then I turned around.

---

Going back down seemed much longer than going up.

Each step made me feel like they were talking about me up there, even when I couldn't hear them anymore.