Even If They Laugh

At first, it wasn't even supposed to be dangerous.

There were four of us: Nassim, well, me, Sofiane, Malik, and Yacine, and we were hanging out near a field where we often went to play.

Behind the field, there was an old, almost finished construction site.

A big fence surrounded the place, but at one spot, it was slightly open, just enough to slip through.

Sofiane saw it first.

He walked up to it.

"Look."

Malik looked behind him.

"We can get in."

I walked up too.

Inside, there were planks, pieces of wood, piles of sand, and a big concrete structure with stairs going up.

I knew we weren't supposed to be there.

I think everyone knew.

But no one said it.

Sofiane went through the opening.

Malik followed him.

Yacine too.

Me, I stayed in front of the fence.

Sofiane turned around.

"Nassim, are you coming?"

I looked inside, then behind me.

"I don't know."

Malik laughed.

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

I didn't answer.

Sofiane raised his arms.

"But there's no one!"

That was exactly what didn't reassure me.

There was no one, no workers, no adult, no one to tell us where to walk or where not to walk.

I said:

"Maybe we shouldn't go in."

There was a little silence.

Then Malik smiled.

"Are you scared?"

I knew I shouldn't have answered.

But I answered:

"No."

"Then come on."

I stayed there.

Sofiane laughed.

"Don't be a baby."

The word stung me immediately.

Baby.

I hated that.

I was ten years old.

I wasn't a baby.

So I went through the fence.

---

At first, I felt better, because no one was making fun of me anymore.

We walked between the piles of materials.

Sofiane was in front.

He walked as if he knew the place perfectly, even though he had just entered it for the first time in his life.

Malik followed him.

Yacine looked around everywhere.

Me too.

There were holes in the ground, planks leaning against walls, metal bars sticking out, and sometimes, little pieces of concrete under our shoes.

I didn't like it.

But I didn't want to be the one to say again:

"We should leave."

So I said nothing.

Sofiane found some stairs.

"Let's go up."

Malik replied:

"Go ahead."

They started climbing.

I followed them.

First floor.

Then a few more steps.

As we went up, my stomach tightened.

At one point, there wasn't even a real railing yet, just empty space.

I moved away from the edge.

Yacine noticed.

He didn't say anything.

But Malik, he smiled.

"Nassim, look down."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Oh yeah, you're really scared after all."

I felt my face get hot.

So I looked.

A second, no more.

That was enough.

I stepped back.

Sofiane, he kept going.

He wanted to reach a higher part where you had to cross a kind of narrow slab.

He turned around.

"Come on!"

Malik went across.

Then Yacine.

Well, almost.

Yacine stopped before.

Me, I was still behind.

I looked at the spot where I had to cross.

It wasn't huge, just a few steps, but on the right, there was nothing, and under my shoes, there was dust and little pebbles.

Sofiane shouted:

"Go on, Nassim!"

I didn't move.

"I don't want to."

Malik burst out laughing.

"Again?"

Sofiane said:

"Seriously, don't be a baby!"

This time, my whole body was telling me to turn back.

But my head was repeating something else.

If you go back down, they'll make fun of you, they'll tell everyone you were scared, they'll say you're a baby.

I took a step, then another.

I stopped.

I couldn't move forward anymore.

And then, I understood something strange.

I didn't want to cross.

I just wanted them to think I could do it.

That wasn't the same thing.

I looked at Sofiane.

"I'm not going."

He shrugged.

"Well, stay there then."

Malik added:

"Baby."

I felt the shame rise up into my throat.

But this time, I didn't move.

Then I turned around.

---

Going back down seemed much longer than going up.

Each step made me feel like they were talking about me up there, even when I couldn't hear them anymore.

When I got out of the construction site, I took a deep breath.

I was glad to be outside.

But I was also annoyed, at them, and a little at myself.

Because part of me was still wondering if I had been a coward.

When the others came back, a little later, Malik immediately said:

"So, how's it going, baby?"

I clenched my teeth.

Sofiane was laughing.

Yacine, he wasn't laughing much.

We each went home.

---

That evening, Dad found me sitting in the living room.

He sat down next to me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

He looked at me.

I knew he would wait.

So I finally said:

"Dad... what does it mean to be brave?"

He turned his head toward me.

"It depends. Why?"

I told him everything.

The construction site, the fence, the stairs, the others, the word baby, everything.

Dad didn't interrupt me.

When I finished, he asked me:

"Up there, when you were in front of the passage, what did you really want to do?"

"Go down."

"And what was stopping you from going down?"

I thought about it.

"Them."

Dad asked:

"Were they holding you back?"

"No."

"Were they physically preventing you from leaving?"

"No."

I knew where he was going with this.

But I didn't want to say it.

So Dad waited.

Then I whispered:

"I was afraid they would make fun of me."

He nodded.

"So it wasn't the construction site holding you back."

I looked at the floor.

"It was their looks."

Dad stayed silent for a moment.

Then he said:

"You know, sometimes, courage is moving forward even when you're scared."

I looked up.

"And sometimes, it's exactly the opposite."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes, the bravest thing is not to move forward, even when everyone is watching you."

I didn't say anything.

He added:

"Being afraid of real danger doesn't make you a baby. Fear can also warn us."

I was still thinking about Malik, his smile, the word he had used.

Dad asked me:

"If no one had called you a baby, would you have gone in?"

I answered immediately:

"No."

And that answer surprised me, because it was clear.

---

For a few days, I didn't see the others much.

Then one Wednesday, we met up at the field.

At first, everything was normal: ball, running, talking.

No one mentioned the construction site.

That was fine with me.

Then Sofiane spotted a big wall behind the field.

You could climb up on it by going over a dumpster and a small wall.

He said:

"Let's go up there."

Malik smiled.

"Go ahead."

I already knew what I was going to say.

But when Sofiane looked at me, my stomach tightened just like the first time.

"Nassim?"

I shook my head.

"No."

Malik sighed.

"Again?"

I didn't say anything.

He added:

"Man, you really are a baby."

The word stung again.

I'm not going to say it didn't affect me.

It did, but less, much less.

I picked up my ball.

"If you say so."

Malik looked at me.

"What?"

"If you want to call me a baby, go ahead. I'm not going."

Then I left.

I had maybe taken ten steps when someone called me.

"Nassim!"

I turned around.

It was Yacine.

He was coming down from the small wall.

"Wait."

He ran up to me.

I looked at him.

"You're not coming?"

He shrugged.

"Honestly... I didn't want to either."

I smiled.

"Then why did you go up?"

He looked behind him.

Then he answered:

"For the same reason you did the other time, I think."

We left together.

---

I didn't see Sofiane for several days.

At first, I didn't really think about it.

Then Malik told me what had happened after we left.

Sofiane had fallen.

He had broken his arm.

When he came back a few days later, he had his arm in a cast.

I didn't say anything.

I didn't want to tell him I had been right.

I was just glad I had left when I did.

And above all, I was thinking about something.

This time, I hadn't needed to wait for someone to fall to know I should leave.

---

A few days later, Sofiane was sitting with us at the field.

His cast was covered in signatures.

Malik had drawn something on it that looked like a crocodile, even though he claimed it was a dragon.

Sofiane looked at me, then at his arm.

"You were right to leave."

I didn't know what to say.

So I said:

"Yeah."

He added:

"But don't say anything."

I smiled.

"Why?"

"Because otherwise Malik will say I've become a baby."

We looked at each other, then burst out laughing.

Even Malik.

---

Before, I thought being brave meant never being afraid, climbing higher, going further, doing what others didn't dare to do.

Now, I think it's not always like that.

Sometimes, we already know something is a bad idea.

We feel it.

But we hear others laughing, we imagine what they'll think, and suddenly, saying no becomes much harder than saying yes.

The first time, I had almost continued just to avoid looking like a baby.

The second time, I was still afraid they would make fun of me.

But I left anyway.

And now, when someone says to me:

"Are you scared?"

I know the real question isn't always about whether I'm scared.

The real question is:

"Do I have a good reason to say no?"

And if the answer is yes, then maybe leaving is exactly the bravest thing to do.