It Was Always Me

My name is Sara, I'm twelve years old.

I remember very well the evening I prepared my veil for the next day.

I had put it on the chair, right next to my clothes.

I had folded it.

Then unfolded it.

Then folded it differently.

Oummi had watched me from the door of my room.

"Are you planning to wear it tomorrow or prepare a bed for it?"

I had laughed.

"I just want it to be nice."

In reality, I had been thinking about it for several weeks.

I had talked about it with Oummi, then with Abi.

I knew why Muslim women wear the veil, I knew it was something Allah asks of us, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to start.

So, a few days earlier, I had said to Oummi:

"Monday, I'm putting it on."

She had looked at me.

"Okay."

That was all.

At the time, it had seemed easy to me.

Monday, I'm putting on the veil.

As if I had said:

Monday, I'm taking my new bag.

Except that on Sunday evening, lying in my bed, I understood something.

Tomorrow, everyone was going to see me with it.

My friends.

The girls in my class.

The people in the courtyard.

The people in front of the school.

I sat up in my bed.

Then I went to check the chair one last time.

The veil was still there.

Of course.

---

The next morning, I woke up even before Oummi came to get me.

I got ready.

Then I stood in front of the mirror.

Oummi had shown me several times how to do it.

I started.

I failed.

I started again.

One side was much longer than the other.

I started again.

This time, it was almost good.

Then I turned my head and everything moved.

"Oummi!"

She came.

"What's wrong?"

"Look."

She looked.

"What?"

"It's not straight."

She came closer.

"Sara, no one is going to come to school with a ruler to measure your veil."

"I can see it's not straight."

She smiled and helped me put it back correctly.

When she finished, I looked at myself in the mirror.

I stayed silent.

It was me.

Of course it was me.

But I wasn't used to seeing myself like that before leaving for school.

Oummi asked:

"So?"

I smiled.

"I like it."

Downstairs, Abi was waiting for me.

When he saw me coming, his face changed.

Not enormously.

Just that little smile he does when he's happy but tries not to overdo it.

"Macha Allah."

I lowered my eyes, smiling.

Then he took his keys.

"Shall we go?"

"Let's go."

---

In the car, everything was fine.

I was even in a hurry to get there.

Then Abi parked in front of the school.

And suddenly, I wasn't in a hurry at all anymore.

I looked out the window.

Students were going in.

Some were in front of the gate.

I put my hand on the handle.

Without opening.

Abi looked at me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

Then I added:

"It's weird."

"What's weird?"

I thought.

"Yesterday, it was just in my room. Now, everyone is going to see it."

Abi stayed silent for a few seconds.

Then he told me:

"Do you know why you wear it?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to do what pleases Allah?"

"Yes."

He nodded.

"Then move forward with that in your heart."

I think that was exactly what I needed.

Not a big speech.