It Was Always Me

My name is Sara, I'm twelve years old.

I remember very well the evening I prepared my veil for the next day.

I had put it on the chair, right next to my clothes.

I had folded it.

Then unfolded it.

Then folded it differently.

Oummi had watched me from the door of my room.

"Are you planning to wear it tomorrow or prepare a bed for it?"

I had laughed.

"I just want it to be nice."

In reality, I had been thinking about it for several weeks.

I had talked about it with Oummi, then with Abi.

I knew why Muslim women wear the veil, I knew it was something Allah asks of us, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to start.

So, a few days earlier, I had said to Oummi:

"Monday, I'm putting it on."

She had looked at me.

"Okay."

That was all.

At the time, it had seemed easy to me.

Monday, I'm putting on the veil.

As if I had said:

Monday, I'm taking my new bag.

Except that on Sunday evening, lying in my bed, I understood something.

Tomorrow, everyone was going to see me with it.

My friends.

The girls in my class.

The people in the courtyard.

The people in front of the school.

I sat up in my bed.

Then I went to check the chair one last time.

The veil was still there.

Of course.

---

The next morning, I woke up even before Oummi came to get me.

I got ready.

Then I stood in front of the mirror.

Oummi had shown me several times how to do it.

I started.

I failed.

I started again.

One side was much longer than the other.

I started again.

This time, it was almost good.

Then I turned my head and everything moved.

"Oummi!"

She came.

"What's wrong?"

"Look."

She looked.

"What?"

"It's not straight."

She came closer.

"Sara, no one is going to come to school with a ruler to measure your veil."

"I can see it's not straight."

She smiled and helped me put it back correctly.

When she finished, I looked at myself in the mirror.

I stayed silent.

It was me.

Of course it was me.

But I wasn't used to seeing myself like that before leaving for school.

Oummi asked:

"So?"

I smiled.

"I like it."

Downstairs, Abi was waiting for me.

When he saw me coming, his face changed.

Not enormously.

Just that little smile he does when he's happy but tries not to overdo it.

"Macha Allah."

I lowered my eyes, smiling.

Then he took his keys.

"Shall we go?"

"Let's go."

---

In the car, everything was fine.

I was even in a hurry to get there.

Then Abi parked in front of the school.

And suddenly, I wasn't in a hurry at all anymore.

I looked out the window.

Students were going in.

Some were in front of the gate.

I put my hand on the handle.

Without opening.

Abi looked at me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

Then I added:

"It's weird."

"What's weird?"

I thought.

"Yesterday, it was just in my room. Now, everyone is going to see it."

Abi stayed silent for a few seconds.

Then he told me:

"Do you know why you wear it?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to do what pleases Allah?"

"Yes."

He nodded.

"Then move forward with that in your heart."

I think that was exactly what I needed.

Not a big speech.

Just that.

I opened the door.

The first meters to the gate seemed much longer than usual.

I felt like everyone was looking at me.

A girl passed in front of me.

She looked at me.

She's looking at my veil.

Two girls were talking near the gate.

One of them turned her head.

Her too.

I heard two girls behind me laughing.

For a second, my brain even managed to make me believe they might be laughing at me.

Then one shouted:

"I told you it was going to fall!"

A binder had just opened on the ground.

They weren't even talking about me.

---

I went in.

And I saw Maya.

My best friend.

She stopped.

She looked at me.

Me too.

Then she came closer.

"You did it?"

I nodded.

"I did it."

She smiled.

"It looks good on you."

"Thank you."

And she immediately started telling me what had happened to her the day before with her little brother.

That was it.

In my head, I had imagined this meeting at least fifteen times.

Questions.

Reactions.

Maybe a big silence.

In reality, thirty seconds later, Maya was telling me that a yogurt had exploded in her bag.

The day began.

In class, I still felt like people were looking at me a little more than usual.

Maybe it was true.

Maybe I was especially paying much more attention to the looks.

At recess, a girl in my class, Chloé, came to see me.

"Sara?"

"Yes?"

She gently pointed to my head.

"Are you going to wear it every day now?"

"Yes."

"Why did you start today?"

There it was.

The question I had prepared in my head.

I had imagined a perfect answer.

A long answer.

An answer where I explained everything perfectly.

And when she actually asked me the question, all I managed to say was:

"Because I'm Muslim, and it's important to me to wear it for Allah."

Chloé simply replied:

"Ah, okay."

Then she asked me:

"Are you coming? We're going to get Maya."

And she left.

I stayed there for a second.

That was it?

I had spent so much time imagining what people might say.

And she had simply asked, listened, then continued her day.

---

At noon, I was already much less afraid of the looks.

In the afternoon, something even stranger happened.

I forgot.

Completely.

During an exercise, my neighbor made me laugh.

Then I participated in class.

At the end of the day, Maya and I talked for several minutes.

I wasn't thinking about my veil at all anymore.

I was just Sara.

Like Friday.

Like the week before.

Like always.

Leaving school, I passed in front of a large window.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection.

And I stopped for a second.

I had almost forgotten that I had left home differently that morning.

I looked at myself.

This time, the right side wasn't even perfectly placed anymore.

A small part had moved.

That very morning, I probably would have panicked.

There, I simply put the fabric back correctly with my hand and continued.

Abi was waiting for me a little further away.

In the car, he let me fasten my seatbelt then he asked:

"So?"

I put my bag at my feet.

"It's okay."

He smiled.

"That's all?"

"No."

I looked out the window.

Then I said:

"Actually, it was much more complicated in my head."

Abi laughed.

"That happens often."

---

In the evening, Oummi came to my room.

I had taken off my veil and I was folding it for the next day.

She sat near me.

"Your day?"

I told her.

The looks I had imagined.

Maya.

Chloé's question.

The window on the way out.

Then I told her:

"At first, I felt like when people looked at me, they would only see that."

Oummi listened to me.

"And now?"

I looked at the veil in my hands.

"Now, I don't know… it's just me too."

She smiled.

I put the veil on the chair.

In the same place as the day before.

But something had changed.

Last night, I looked at it thinking of all the people who were going to see me with it.

That evening, I was mostly thinking about the reason I had worn it.

I had done it for Allah.

And that, no one in the school courtyard needed to understand for me.

Before turning off the light, I looked at the chair one last time.

This time, I didn't check if it was folded well.

I already knew that tomorrow morning, I would put it back on.