The Last Time Without Knowing It

The last time Abi wanted to carry me to my bed, I told him to stop.

I had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room.

I only remember feeling two arms slide under me.

I opened one eye.

“Abi… what are you doing?”

He smiled.

“I’m taking you to bed.”

I immediately tried to get down.

“But I’m too big!”

Abi laughed.

“Too big? Since when?”

“For a long time.”

He set me down on the floor.

“Alright, mister big. Go to bed by yourself.”

I walked to my room, dragging my feet.

I didn’t think about it again.

Why would I have?

It was just another evening.

---

A few days later, Oummi held out her hand to cross a big street.

I looked at her.

Then I looked at her hand.

“Oummi, I know how to cross.”

She gave a little smile.

“Okay, Nabil.”

She took her hand back.

I crossed next to her.

I was quite proud.

Again, I didn’t think about it.

---

Then one Saturday, Oummi asked me to help her empty a closet.

We had to make room to store things.

At the back, behind an old blanket, I found a plastic dinosaur.

Green.

With a slightly twisted leg.

I recognized it immediately.

“But it’s still here!”

Oummi laughed.

“Of course it’s still here. You refused to throw it away.”

I picked it up.

When I was younger, this dinosaur was called Croquator.

Why?

No idea.

Croquator had been a king.

A pirate.

A doctor.

A guardian of a fortress.

I stood for a few seconds with it in my hand.

Then I asked:

“How long has it been since I played with it?”

Oummi thought.

“A long time.”

“But when was the last time?”

She shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

That seemed strange to me.

How could she not know?

I put Croquator in a box meant for my little cousin.

And that evening, something came back to me.

Abi wanting to carry me.

Oummi’s hand.

Croquator.

I wondered if some things stopped like that.

Without warning.

---

A few days later, we watched old videos on the computer.

In one video, I was six years old.

I was running in the living room with Croquator in one hand.

In another, I was asleep on Abi’s shoulder.

Back then, Abi had much less trouble carrying me.

Then there was a video where I was crossing a street, holding Oummi’s hand very tightly.

I asked:

“When was the last time Abi really carried me?”

Abi looked at Oummi.

Oummi looked at Abi.

“I don’t know,” said Abi.

“And the last time Oummi held my hand to cross?”

Same answer.

“I don’t know.”

That almost made me angry.

“But you remember my first tooth!”

Oummi laughed.

“Yes.”

“You remember my first day of school.”

“Yes.”

“You remember the first time I rode a bike without training wheels.”

Abi smiled.

“That, I remember very well. You ended up in a bush.”

They laughed.

Me, much less.

“Then why doesn’t anyone remember the last times?”

This time, they became silent.

Oummi thought for a long time.

Then she said:

“Maybe because when they happen, we don’t yet know that they are the last.”

That sentence stayed in my head.

---

The next day, I took Croquator out of the box.

I set it in front of me.

I tried to play.

“I am Croquator, king of…”

I stopped.

It was strange.

I didn’t feel like it anymore.

Not because Croquator had become bad.

It was still the same dinosaur.

It was me who had changed.

So I put it back in the box.

But gently this time.

---

In the evening, I found Abi in the hallway.

“Carry me, Abi.”

He looked at me.

“Pardon?”

“Carry me like before.”

Abi burst out laughing.

“Nabil, you’re almost my size!”

“Try.”

He sighed.

Then he grabbed me.

“Bismillah…”

He lifted me for about two seconds.

Then he set me down.

“What do you eat? Stones?”

I burst out laughing.

Oummi came out of the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“He wants to become little again,” answered Abi.

I stopped laughing.

Because maybe that was exactly it.

---

For a few days, I started noticing lots of things.

Oummi no longer chose my clothes.

Abi no longer cut my meat.

No one checked if I had tied my shoes properly.

I sometimes prepared my own breakfast.

I was allowed to go buy bread at the end of the street.

Everyone seemed happy that I was growing up.

But me, suddenly, I found it a bit sad.

---

One evening, I went to see Oummi.

“Did you prefer when I was little?”

She looked at me, surprised.

“Why do you ask me that?”

I shrugged.

“Because before, you did lots of things with me that you don’t do anymore.”

She sat down next to me.

“That’s true.”

That didn’t reassure me.

Then she added:

“But now, we also do things we couldn’t do before.”

“Like what?”

She thought.

“Now, I can really talk with you. You give me your opinion. You make me laugh. Sometimes, you help me. And sometimes even…”

She smiled.

“You give me good advice.”

I squinted.

“Sometimes?”

“Let’s not exaggerate.”

I laughed.

Then she told me:

“Growing up isn’t losing all the things from before. It’s also discovering new ones.”

---

A few days later, my little brother fell asleep on the couch.

Abi was busy in the kitchen.

I approached.

My little brother was sleeping deeply.

I shook him gently.

“Hey. Go to your bed.”

He didn’t even move.

So I picked him up as best I could.

He was heavy.

Much heavier than expected.

I managed to take three steps.

Abi came up behind me.

“Need help?”

I puffed:

“No.”

Then, two seconds later:

“Yes.”

Abi took my little brother with me.

We carried him to his bed.

As we left, Abi put his hand on my shoulder.

“You see, now, you’re the one carrying.”

I looked at him.

I think that’s when I understood.

---

One evening, a few days later, I fell asleep on the couch again.

When I opened my eyes, Abi was standing in front of me.

He smiled.

“Should I carry you?”

Before, I would have answered:

“I’m too big.”

This time, I thought.

Then I said:

“No.”

I sat up.

Abi was about to leave.

So I added:

“But can you stay for two minutes?”

He sat down.

We talked.

I don’t even remember about what.

Maybe football.

Maybe Croquator.

Maybe nothing important.

But I remember we were fine.

---

For a while, I found last times sad.

The last time you’re carried.

The last time your hand is held.

The last time an old dinosaur can become king of an entire kingdom.

Then I understood something.

Last times often make room for first times.

The first time you really help Abi.

The first time Oummi asks for your opinion.

The first time a little brother comes looking for your hand.

You don’t always notice when a part of childhood ends.

But you also don’t always notice when something new begins.