I'm Afraid to Sleep Alone

My name is Ilyes, I'm seven years old, and there's something I don't like to say much.

I'm afraid to sleep alone.

During the day, my room is perfectly normal, there's my bed, my desk, my books, my clothes, my toys, nothing special.

But at night, I don't know what happens to it, everything changes.

The coat on the chair doesn't really look like a coat anymore, the shadow of the door becomes way too big, and the heater makes noises it never makes, but really never, during the day.

Well, maybe it does, but during the day, I don't hear them.

At night, I hear everything.

Toc.

I lift my head.

Silence.

I lie back down.

Toc.

There it is, again.

I stare at the ceiling, then the hallway, then the chair, then the hallway again.

And that's when my brain starts to work, way too much.

What if someone was behind the door?

What if that sound came from under my bed?

What if the shadow just moved?

Then I remind myself that it's just my coat, I know that.

But sometimes, knowing something isn't enough to stop my heart from beating very fast.

So I do what I do almost every night, I leave my room.

The first time, I go to see Oummi.

I tell her, I'm thirsty.

She gives me a glass of water, then I go back to my room.

Two minutes later, I come out again.

I tell her, I forgot to go to the bathroom.

Oummi looks at me, then she says, you went ten minutes ago.

I answer, yes, but now, I need to go again.

Well, I think.

I go to the bathroom anyway, then I go back to bed.

A few minutes pass, I come out again.

This time, Abi is in the living room.

He watches me come in, then he asks me what it is now.

I think very fast.

I already used the water, I already used the bathroom.

I tell him, I'm too hot.

Abi looks at me for a long time, a very long time, then he smiles.

He says, Ilyes.

I answer, yes?

He asks me, are you scared?

I look down.

He waits.

I look at the floor, then I answer, a little.

He keeps waiting.

So I say, a lot.

Abi pats the spot next to him, then I sit down.

He asks me, what exactly are you afraid of?

I open my mouth, then I close it, because the problem is, I don't really know.

I finally answer, I don't know.

And that's true.

I'm not afraid of just one thing.

I'm afraid of the dark, but not always.

I'm afraid of noises, but only some.

I'm afraid of shadows, well, especially when I don't understand what makes them.

And sometimes, I'm just afraid of being alone in my room while everyone is sleeping.

I tell Abi, when everything is off, I feel like everything becomes different.

Abi nods, then he tells me, your imagination works a lot.

I answer, yes.

He adds, it tells a lot of stories.

I answer, bad stories.

Abi laughs.

Then he tells me, you know, being afraid doesn't necessarily mean there's real danger.

I don't answer.

I already know that, but again, knowing doesn't always stop my heart from beating fast.

Oummi comes to sit with us.

She looks at me and says, before sleeping, there's also something important you can do.

I already know what she's going to say.

The evening supplications.

Oummi and Abi taught them to me little by little.

Some, I already know well, others, I still need to be reminded.

I look towards my room.

My little lamp still lights up the wall.

I like this lamp, it reassures me.

So we go back to my room.

Oummi sits near me.

I recite my evening supplications.

I also recite Ayat Al Kursi, as I was taught.

Then the last three surahs of the Quran that I know.

I blow lightly into my hands and I pass them over my body.

Then I ask Allah to protect me.

When I'm done, Oummi tucks me in.

I ask her, can you leave the door open?

She answers, yes.

I ask, wide open?

She answers, a little.

I ask, a lot a little?

She smiles, then she says, Ilyes.

I answer, okay, a little.

She leaves, I stay alone.

The silence returns.

Then the heater starts again.

Toc.

I look in its direction, then I say, I know it's you.

Toc.

I answer, yes, yes, I understood.

I close my eyes.

That night, I finally fall asleep.

But the next evening, I'm still afraid, and the evening after that too.

I was a bit disappointed.

I thought that maybe, after talking with Abi and Oummi, my fear would disappear all at once.

But no, it was still there.

Only, now, I had started to understand it better.

Oummi taught me a little game.

When something scares me in my room, I have to ask myself, what do I really know?

The first time, I look at the chair.

There's a big dark shape on it.

My brain tells me, someone is sitting there.

So I ask myself the question, what do I really know?

I know I put my coat on the chair before sleeping.

I look again.

It's still a bit scary, but I repeat to myself, it's my coat.

I get up, I go closer, I touch the sleeve.

It's indeed my coat.

I take it, I put it in the wardrobe.

Problem solved.

The next day, I see a big shadow moving on the wall.

My heart speeds up.

I look at the window.

A car passes outside, its light goes through the curtains, the shadow disappears.

I whisper, okay, a car.

My imagination had already started to prepare a much more complicated story.

Luckily I didn't let it finish.

Little by little, my evenings change, not enormously, but a little.

At first, Abi stays in my room until I'm almost asleep.

Then one evening, he tells me, I'm going to leave, but I'll come back in five minutes to see if everything is okay.

I don't like that idea much.

I answer, three minutes.

He says, five.

I answer, four.

Abi thinks, then he says, okay, four.

He leaves.

I look at the door.

One minute, maybe two, I don't know.

Then I hear a small noise.

I sit up.

I could call Abi, I'm even about to do it.

But I remember.

What do I really know?

I look.

Nothing.

I listen.

Nothing either.

My heart slows down.

When Abi comes back, I'm still awake.

He asks, are you okay?

I answer, yes.

Then I add, but you took more than four minutes.

He answers, absolutely not.

I say, yes.

He asks, did you have a stopwatch?

I answer, no.

He asks then, how do you know?

I think, then I answer, I feel it.

Abi laughs.

Days pass.

Some nights are easy, others much less.

When I'm very tired, I'm sometimes more afraid.

When I heard an impressive story during the day, my brain sometimes decides to continue it on its own when I want to sleep.

And sometimes, for no reason, I just want Oummi to stay a little longer.

She stays a few minutes, then she reminds me of my supplications.

I recite them, I ask Allah to protect me, and I try to remember that fear is not always a sign that danger really exists.

One evening, though, something happens.

I'm almost asleep.

Everything is calm.

Even the heater decided to be quiet.

Then suddenly...

BOOM!

I open my eyes, my heart starts beating very fast.

I sit up, I look everywhere.

There was a real noise.

Not a little toc, a big boom.

I open my mouth.

I'm ready to call Abi, but no sound comes out.

I stay sitting.

I remember that I made my supplications.

I ask Allah to protect me.

Then I ask myself the question.

What do I really know?

I know there was a noise, that's all.

I don't know what caused it.

My imagination, it already has about twenty ideas.

None are reassuring.

I take a deep breath, then another.

I turn on my little lamp.

I look around me.

The chair, nothing.

The door, nothing.

The desk...

I stop.

A book is on the floor.

I recognize it.

I had put it right on the edge of my desk.

It fell.

I stay looking at it.

That's all?

All that noise for a book?

I get down from my bed, I pick up the book, I put it back, this time much further from the edge.

Then I go back to bed.

And then, something makes me smile.

A few weeks ago, I would probably have run to the living room.

This time, I was scared, really scared, but I stayed.

I remembered what I knew.

I asked Allah to protect me.

And I checked calmly.

The next morning, I tell everything to Abi.

I tell him, and then, I discovered it was just my book.

Abi nods, then he asks me, so you're not afraid anymore now?

I think, then I answer, yes I am.

Abi seems surprised, then he says, oh.

I answer, but less.

I think again, then I add, well, not always less.

He smiles.

I continue, but now, I know a little better what to do.

And that's true.

I haven't become someone who likes the dark.

I still don't always close my door completely.

Some nights, I still ask Oummi to stay a few minutes.

Sometimes, a noise still makes me jump.

And sometimes, my imagination starts talking nonsense again.

But before sleeping, I make my supplications.

I recite what I was taught.

I ask Allah to protect me.

And when a shadow seems strange, I look at what it really is.

When a noise worries me, I try to understand where it comes from.

When my imagination starts a new story, I don't have to believe everything it says.

I learned something else too.

Being brave is not never being afraid.

Sometimes, I'm afraid and I stay in my bed anyway.

Sometimes, I'm afraid and I ask for help.

Sometimes, I'm afraid and I manage to calm down on my own.

Little by little.

My name is Ilyes, I'm seven years old, and yes, I still sometimes am afraid to sleep alone.

But now, when night comes, I know better what to do.

I recite my supplications, I put my trust in Allah, I breathe, I look at what is really there, and little by little, my room simply becomes my room again.

Well...

until the heater goes...

Toc.

Then, I still open one eye.

Just to check.