I'm Afraid to Sleep Alone

My name is Ilyes, I'm seven years old, and there's something I don't like to say much.

I'm afraid to sleep alone.

During the day, my room is perfectly normal, there's my bed, my desk, my books, my clothes, my toys, nothing special.

But at night, I don't know what happens to it, everything changes.

The coat on the chair doesn't really look like a coat anymore, the shadow of the door becomes way too big, and the heater makes noises it never makes, but really never, during the day.

Well, maybe it does, but during the day, I don't hear them.

At night, I hear everything.

Toc.

I lift my head.

Silence.

I lie back down.

Toc.

There it is, again.

I stare at the ceiling, then the hallway, then the chair, then the hallway again.

And that's when my brain starts to work, way too much.

What if someone was behind the door?

What if that sound came from under my bed?

What if the shadow just moved?

Then I remind myself that it's just my coat, I know that.

But sometimes, knowing something isn't enough to stop my heart from beating very fast.

So I do what I do almost every night, I leave my room.

The first time, I go to see Oummi.

I tell her, I'm thirsty.

She gives me a glass of water, then I go back to my room.

Two minutes later, I come out again.

I tell her, I forgot to go to the bathroom.

Oummi looks at me, then she says, you went ten minutes ago.

I answer, yes, but now, I need to go again.

Well, I think.

I go to the bathroom anyway, then I go back to bed.

A few minutes pass, I come out again.

This time, Abi is in the living room.

He watches me come in, then he asks me what it is now.

I think very fast.

I already used the water, I already used the bathroom.

I tell him, I'm too hot.

Abi looks at me for a long time, a very long time, then he smiles.

He says, Ilyes.

I answer, yes?

He asks me, are you scared?

I look down.

He waits.

I look at the floor, then I answer, a little.

He keeps waiting.

So I say, a lot.

Abi pats the spot next to him, then I sit down.

He asks me, what exactly are you afraid of?

I open my mouth, then I close it, because the problem is, I don't really know.

I finally answer, I don't know.

And that's true.

I'm not afraid of just one thing.

I'm afraid of the dark, but not always.

I'm afraid of noises, but only some.

I'm afraid of shadows, well, especially when I don't understand what makes them.

And sometimes, I'm just afraid of being alone in my room while everyone is sleeping.

I tell Abi, when everything is off, I feel like everything becomes different.

Abi nods, then he tells me, your imagination works a lot.

I answer, yes.

He adds, it tells a lot of stories.

I answer, bad stories.

Abi laughs.

Then he tells me, you know, being afraid doesn't necessarily mean there's real danger.

I don't answer.

I already know that, but again, knowing doesn't always stop my heart from beating fast.

Oummi comes to sit with us.

She looks at me and says, before sleeping, there's also something important you can do.

I already know what she's going to say.

The evening supplications.

Oummi and Abi taught them to me little by little.

Some, I already know well, others, I still need to be reminded.

I look towards my room.

My little lamp still lights up the wall.

I like this lamp, it reassures me.

So we go back to my room.

Oummi sits near me.

I recite my evening supplications.

I also recite Ayat Al Kursi, as I was taught.

Then the last three surahs of the Quran that I know.

I blow lightly into my hands and I pass them over my body.

Then I ask Allah to protect me.

When I'm done, Oummi tucks me in.

I ask her, can you leave the door open?

She answers, yes.

I ask, wide open?

She answers, a little.

I ask, a lot a little?

She smiles, then she says, Ilyes.

I answer, okay, a little.

She leaves, I stay alone.

The silence returns.

Then the heater starts again.

Toc.

I look in its direction, then I say, I know it's you.

Toc.

I answer, yes, yes, I understood.